TOWARDS PROCUREMENT EXCELLENCE

I receive tons of junk mail during my working day. Occasionally it comprises get-rich-quick schemes from people such as Mr Salimar Mbotu of the Canal Zone, who is fleeing an oppressive regime back home, and who promises me untold wealth in the shape of the Crown Jewels of his home country, which he miraculously stole and secreted in a carpet-bag minutes before a coup d'etat required his family to flee temporarily to the safer waters of next-door Bechuanaland. All I have to do is to place a paltry £25,000 in a bank account in Mr Mbotu's name with the Bank that Never Likes to Say No, and Mr Mbotu will send me the Crown Jewels by registered post. More often, though, this junk mail comes in the form of invitations to seminars and conferences, some of which cost more in a day than would a fortnight on half-board in Costa Rica. Today I have received an invitation to attend a conference on Tuesday somewhere near Heathrow. It is entitled 'The Journey to Procurement Excellence.' There I can hear a chap called Alamander Cutty expound on 'what to do next after a solid foundation of Spend Analytics and disciplined eSourcing'. Very interesting. In addition to that, Ms Jemima Dawle will discuss 'fast, flexible and sustainable sourcing and compliance by means of thought provoking (sic) presentations and interactive product demonstrations.' So it's a bunch of snake-oil salesmen parading their wares, then. Very nice. If I wish, I can also hear Mr Cosmo Smallpiece, a senior procurement official of the Royal Mail, informing me about that organisation's hugely successful procurement transformation programme. That's a laugh - the last I heard, Mr Gordon Brown, the Prime Ditherer, was trying to flog the whole basket-case organisation off as a job-lot to Eddie Stobart or Helping Hands or somebody. If I do attend, I intend to ask Mr Smallpiece to tell me why, if the Royal Mail is now so successful, I receive my single delivery of mail at 3 'o' clock in the afternoon, along with that of my next-door-neighbour but one. Finally, I can hear a case study about a local authority which achieved 'full sourcing automation and an integrated contract repository within a few weeks.' The outrageous effrontery of such a claim is breathtaking, unless the case study related to a local authority in the Gamma Quadrant or somewhere. Local authorities hereabouts would have taken that long to establish what 'sourcing' meant. No, this is one Journey the conference organisers can take on their own - I want none of it.