COMPROMISE CANDIDATE

They've been at it again. A Dr Tim Carron writes: 'Dear Friend Ronald', a mistake already because I have never heard of him. I can count my friends on the fingers of one finger, and he's not them, or him. It seems that the Directors of Osmond Computers (Donny and Marie?) for whom the good doctor works have heard of my reputation as a 'reliable and honest person in my country', though not, perhaps, abroad. The directors want to appoint me as a 'permanent local representative' so as to avoid 'stepping into the hands of dubious businessmen in my country.' I haven't come across the peculiar metaphor of stepping into someone's hands before, but it has a certain absurd cachet to it. The Osmonds manufacture hospital equipment such as microscopic lenses, reading glasses, scanning machines, x-ray machines, computer machines and accessories, a strange admixture for a medical ward, especially the spectacles. However, bizarrely, they source all their raw materials from Afghanistan. To think, I thought they only grew poppies there. They have just signed a contract with Iraq to supply hospital equipment - their marketing department must be as wretched as their purchasing department to have chosen these outlets. However, they have cottoned on to the fact that Britain manufactures this stuff - amazing, because I thought we were just a giant theme park these days. They need me to source Zaicoline, which they say is like a white sugar cube in size and consistency. It's an expensive sugar cube - five pieces cost $3,600. Heaven only knows how much their reading glasses must be if they make them out of this stuff. I'm onto a winner, in any case, because I get 10% commission. All I need to do is touch base with the local seller in my country, who happens to be one Eng Mario Mensah. I shouldn't have much difficulty in tracking him down in white pages. An even more daring thought occurs to me - I'll send Eng Mario Mensah, Dr Tim and the Osmonds some sugar cubes and make a real killing. They're daft enough not to notice the difference.