I have what the Australians might call a
‘crook’ right shoulder. I first damaged it playing cricket, continually
having to zip the ball in from the boundary.
I ended my cricketing days lobbing the ball in like an elderly Frenchman
playing boules into the teeth of a howling gale. I damaged it further just before Christmas,
playing tennis. I ran along the baseline
to reach a cunning forehand slice to find that one minute my leg was where it
ought to be, the next it wasn’t and I was falling like a good old quercus canariensis after a brief altercation
with a chainsaw. I put out my right hand
to cushion my fall, and that was all it took.
The pain gets between me and my sleep.
I took my shoulder to the medic, a bluff young man with a thrusting jaw
and the bedside manner of Dr Snoddie. He
poked and prodded, prodded and poked, swung my arm round several times like a starting-handle and finally spoke. “How old are you?” he barked. “Sixty-four.”
“Sixty-four. I see. And you think that there is some advantage in
a man of your age playing games as physical as this?” “Well, actually, I
do. The alternative is for me to sit
like a cabbage and watch re-runs of ‘Minder’
and ‘Ever Decreasing Circles.” He sucked his teeth. “Well, I‘ve got bad news for you. I am of the opinion that you have
well-defined separation of the acromio-clavicular joint, a substantial bout of subacromial bursitis
and also probably more than a touch of arthritis. I can assure you that you will never be fully cured. I can prescribe pain-killers and a trip to a
physiotherapist, who’ll make you play crab football and tell you to squeeze a
rubber ball till you’re blue in the face but you’ll never get more than 60% of
your strength back in that shoulder. Now
go away and let me see to someone who is really ill.” I left feeling somewhat deflated, thinking to
myself of Robert Browning’s poem Childe
Roland To The Dark Tower Came: ‘He must be wicked to deserve such pain.’
It was a little later that an ex-colleague of mine recommended the use of a shoulder brace. I’d never heard of one. “I had one,” he said. “It certainly helped me. Just buy one on-line. I did and look at me now. Capable of at least seven press-ups unaided.” I logged on to ebay and immediately found what I was looking for, for the very reasonable price of £7.99, postage paid. The article arrived the very next day, in a natty silver box. I took it out and tried it on. One end went over the shoulder and fastened underneath the armpit with Velcro. The other ran across the chest like a surcingle, meeting up with the shoulder part under the other armpit. The support was made of neoprene and was particularly smelly and uncomfortable. I read the blurb on the back of the box. “The Acrolan Shoulder Brace is designed to provide effective support for damaged muscles and ligaments as well as weak and unstable joints.” So far, so good. “It is designed to conform to the contours of the body and this special design avoids both the slipping and wrinkling of the support during activity.” I was pleased to find myself in future not slipping or wrinkling. The final paragraph caught my eye. “The support incorporates 21 high strength magnets (1000 Gauss each) placed strategically throughout the support to allow for maximum benefit to the injured area. The magnetic field created by the high strength magnets is known to stimulate blood vessels and blood oxygen levels, speeding up the natural healing process.” All this for £7.99! Then I read the small print, with the aid of a handy magnifying glass. “Do not use if you have a pacemaker or internal defibrillators or electrical implants of any kind. Do not use if you are pregnant. Do not use if you have sensitive skin. Do not use if you are prone to allergy.” To the best of my knowledge, I suffer from none of those, especially pregnancy. However, with 21 thousand gauss magnets on the go, there is no way I dare wear the Acrolan shoulder support. I fear for the fillings in my teeth.
It was a little later that an ex-colleague of mine recommended the use of a shoulder brace. I’d never heard of one. “I had one,” he said. “It certainly helped me. Just buy one on-line. I did and look at me now. Capable of at least seven press-ups unaided.” I logged on to ebay and immediately found what I was looking for, for the very reasonable price of £7.99, postage paid. The article arrived the very next day, in a natty silver box. I took it out and tried it on. One end went over the shoulder and fastened underneath the armpit with Velcro. The other ran across the chest like a surcingle, meeting up with the shoulder part under the other armpit. The support was made of neoprene and was particularly smelly and uncomfortable. I read the blurb on the back of the box. “The Acrolan Shoulder Brace is designed to provide effective support for damaged muscles and ligaments as well as weak and unstable joints.” So far, so good. “It is designed to conform to the contours of the body and this special design avoids both the slipping and wrinkling of the support during activity.” I was pleased to find myself in future not slipping or wrinkling. The final paragraph caught my eye. “The support incorporates 21 high strength magnets (1000 Gauss each) placed strategically throughout the support to allow for maximum benefit to the injured area. The magnetic field created by the high strength magnets is known to stimulate blood vessels and blood oxygen levels, speeding up the natural healing process.” All this for £7.99! Then I read the small print, with the aid of a handy magnifying glass. “Do not use if you have a pacemaker or internal defibrillators or electrical implants of any kind. Do not use if you are pregnant. Do not use if you have sensitive skin. Do not use if you are prone to allergy.” To the best of my knowledge, I suffer from none of those, especially pregnancy. However, with 21 thousand gauss magnets on the go, there is no way I dare wear the Acrolan shoulder support. I fear for the fillings in my teeth.
