70 ON,16 OFF

A chap with the magnificent name of William Tex Havenroth has e-mailed me, all the way from Hoo-ston, Texas. It seems that Mr Havenroth wishes me to become a principal structural engineer to work on a major international oil and gas platform project in Baku, Azerbaijan. I am advised that the salary is ‘according to qualifications and experience,’ so that should mean about a thousand a year for me, then. Rotation is described as being ‘70 on/16 off.’ I presume rotation to mean the length of time one spends on or off the platform, rather than the platform turning as if on a giant spit, but, disappointingly, Mr Havenroth is reticent on the topic of where one actually spends the ‘16 off’ part. It appears that I would be placed in charge of the key task of developing all the calculations required for the ‘jacket for offshore platforms,’ which is welcome, because I do know something about uniform and protective clothing. Additionally, I am required to design local elements such as ‘padeyes’ and ‘trunnions.’ Perhaps my knowledge of Mr Frank Hornby’s Meccano no. 2 system would be of some help there. I must be able to speak fluent Russian, French and English and have a minimum of ten years’ experience in the oil and gas industry. As my Russian is confined to ‘niet,’ ‘Pravda’ and ‘glasnost,’ my French language development ceased at sixteen years of age, my fluency in English is subject to vigorous debate, and my experience in the gas industry is limited to regular altercations with their customer services over yet another wrong bill, I am clearly struggling to meet the person specification. Big Tex delivers the coup de grace at the end of his e-mail by warning me that ‘overseas experience in hardship locations’ is ‘very desirable,’ and quotes several locations, such as Anchorage, Alaska, where I presume that ‘hardship’ is a degree subject at the local university. As the greatest hardship I have ever suffered was once in a hotel in Poulton-le-Fylde, I feel I do not measure up to the great man’s expectations, and I have advised him accordingly, as well as the unspecified Chris, Bill, Mike and Jack, charming rednecks all, who were mysteriously copied into the correspondence.